


Contraindications

by gelishan



Category: Merlin (BBC)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-27
Updated: 2009-03-27
Packaged: 2017-10-14 03:10:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/144704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelishan/pseuds/gelishan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>"Just shut up and give us something to make it stop burning," said Arthur, finally, through gritted teeth.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Contraindications

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning:** Kind of crack-y. But only a little.
> 
> Originally posted to [](http://community.livejournal.com/merlinxarthur/profile)[**merlinxarthur**](http://community.livejournal.com/merlinxarthur/).

Neither of them was looking at Gaius. Arthur could at least excuse it as being unable to see, Merlin supposed, what with the watering eyes and all. Merlin was just... rather fascinated with the boots he was wearing. Lovely boots.

Not looking didn't stop the heavy sigh. Gaius only sighed like that when Merlin had done something phenomenally stupid.

"I believe I gave specific instructions that this was not meant to be taken internally."

Arthur winced. "We didn't exactly take it internally."

Merlin couldn't resist a grin. "Actually, you did."

" _Shut up_ , Merlin!"

"I also," Gaius said, enunciating each word clearly, as if speaking to a young child, "distinctly recall explaining that this was not to be used on open wounds--"

"There were no _wounds_ , Gaius. What do you take me for?"

"--or," he continued inexorably, "on any _particularly sensitive_ areas of the body."

A heavy silence accompanied this proclamation.

"Just shut up and give us something to make it stop burning," said Arthur, finally, through gritted teeth.

Gaius shook his head silently and moved to the nearest shelf. "Liniment." Merlin almost admire that his voice was still sharp and clear over the clink of the bottles he was shifting aside. Almost. "You expected _liniment_ would facilitate buggery."

Merlin closed his eyes. "Please never say that word ever again."

Arthur, close by him, snorted. "You really _are_ the stupidest manservant I have ever had.  Don't you tend to my horses?"

"Your Royal Pratness didn't exactly give me much time to think!" Merlin shouldn't feel guilty watching Prince Arthur very carefully not sit down. "Besides, horse liniment isn't the same."

"It's _close enough._ "

"Ah." Gaius emerged, looking serenely triumphant. "Here you are, sire. I'm afraid there's very little I can do now it's settled into the skin, but this should at least dull the discomfort."

"Very well." Arthur grabbed the vial from his hands and downed it in one swig.

"--and you should apply it topically, the next time," Gaius continued, as Arthur gagged. "I’ll fetch you another bottle, and an emetic so drinking that doesn’t make you ill. And this should serve you better than liniment, in the future."

Arthur wiped new tears from his eyes and looked down at the jar of salve in Gaius's hand. Merlin didn’t understand why it was appealing when he reddened even further. "If you tell my father of this--"

"Not in my lifetime, sire," said Gaius smoothly, handing over the promised vials. "I believe some things should remain secret. Drink from the smaller bottle when you return to your chambers. I'm afraid it won't be pleasant, but it is necessary."

"That will be all, then." Arthur straightened his shoulders with an effort visible to Merlin, at least. "You are dismissed for the day."

"Really, sire?" Merlin was aware of the panic in his voice. Arthur was leaving and he wasn't sure what that meant, and Arthur was leaving him _alone with Gaius_. "But there's all that work to do. Polishing your sword, mucking out your stables--"

Arthur quirked an eyebrow. "I don't think my stables require any more mucking today, Merlin."

Merlin flushed. "You know that's not what I meant."

Arthur's only response was a smirk. "That will be all, Merlin," he repeated, in a voice that heavily implied 'and I will make you pay for every last moment of my discomfort,' then walked out the door, that _bastard_.

"I think I'll be going too, then. Loads of... herbs to pick. For potions." He scrambled towards the door.

"Merlin."

Merlin had been so close, _so close_ to never having to think about this conversation again. "What?"

Gaius was silent for such a long time that Merlin began to wonder if he had done something seriously wrong, not just stupid. "You should have come to me with this."

Merlin had to roll his eyes at that. "Oh, right, perfect idea. Hullo, Gaius, the weather is lovely today, and by the way which potion would be best to use buggering my master and liege?"

"I thought you told me to stop using that word," Gaius pointed out reasonably.

"Buggery!" And Merlin realized that he was perhaps a little hysterical. "No offense meant, Gaius, but I can't. It'd be like talking to my mum."

Gaius's eyes softened. "Nonetheless. I am more knowledgeable than your mother in matters of science, and I fear there are... certain things she may not have told you."

"That's ok," Merlin said uncomfortably. "I'm really all right with that."

"There are problems that can arise with intimacy," Gaius continued doggedly.

Merlin blinked. "What, you mean, like, hairy palms, all that?"

"No!" Gaius brought a hand to his forehead, as if in terrible pain. "There are illnesses. You do know there can be illnesses? And children?"

"Oh! Those." Gaius's eyes went very wide. "I mean, the illnesses!" he amended. "Yeah, um, no problems there."

"It's difficult to know for sure," Gaius said delicately. "I have some equipment--"

"No really, nothing to worry about." He couldn't exactly say 'the Dragon cornered me, told me Arthur was pure of body as well as heart, and then kept mumbling about more than our paths lying together.' Especially not as Merlin wanted to leave the room as soon as possible without _yet another conversation_ _horribly branded into his memory forever._

"How can you be sure?"

"Look, please, let's drop it."

Gaius frowned. "Did Uther tell you?"

"No!" Merlin felt like he was about to scream. "Why would you-- no, _don't_ tell me why you think that. Can I please go now, Gaius?"

Gaius looked thoughtful for a moment, and Merlin was almost sure he was enjoying this. "The prince has released you from your duties today. Perhaps we could make some more of the salve I gave Arthur. I seem to have completely run out."

Merlin stared at him and tried very hard not to think of any implications of that last sentence. "You do realize I'll completely muck it up, yeah?"

Gaius smiled calmly. "I find that young love is a powerful incentive to study." He was _definitely_ enjoying this. "Go to the market and fetch some olive oil and attar of rose. We'll get started tonight."

"Fine!" Anything at all to not be in this room any longer. Anything. Even Nimueh would have been a rescue right now.

"And Merlin?"

Merlin paused, one hand hovering over the door handle. "Yes, Gaius?"

"Be careful."

Merlin knew he wasn't talking about the liniment, or the herbs, or even the buggery. Well, mostly not the buggery. "I'll try," he said, as sincerely as he could manage.

"I know you will." Gaius sighed his Merlin sigh. "That's what I'm worried about."

THE END


End file.
